Then. The road so far (Глава 2)

Then
The road so far

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Once I rose above the noise and confusion
Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion
I was soaring ever higher
But I flew too high

Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think I still was a mad man
I hear the voices when I'm dreaming
I can hear them say

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more
(Kansas — Carry On Wayward Son)

You know, I've been here for a very long time. I remember many things. I remember being at a shoreline watching a little gray fish heave itself up on the beach. And an older brother saying, «Don't step on that fish, Castiel. Big plans for that fish. » I remember the Tower of Babel. All 37 feet of it which, I suppose, was impressive at the time. And when it fell, they howled «Divine wrath.» But, come on, dried dung can only be stacked so high. I remember Cain and Abel, David and Goliath, Sodom and Gomorrah. And, of course, I remember the most remarkable event. Remarkable because it never came to pass. It was averted by two boys, an old drunk and a fallen angel. The grand story. And we ripped up the ending and the rules and destiny. Leaving nothing but freedom and choice. Which is all well and good, except… But what if I've made the wrong choice? I mean, how am I supposed to know? I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me tell you my story. Let me tell you everything.
I fell. I left my home. But I didn't lose my wings to come back again. What am I here for? What am I on earth? I look at these creatures of God and seem to read between the lines. They are beautiful. I wish I knew how they feel. They are so different, they have so many emotions and feelings. I don't understand how they can live with such a huge burden on their own shoulders. Here you go…
There are wings, but my paradise isn't. It appears I lost my strength when I fell. I start to feel something...Oh my God! I'm half human...How can this be?
The angel was so surprised that he couldn't help himself. He wandered for a long time around the old, small town. Slowly the evening came, and then and the night… It's getting dark as hell. Stars...Oh those stars, they are awesome. These old ruins, bare walls with partially crumbling plaster, where the gates of hell open at night and a beautiful view of the distant outer space, strewn with numerous luminaries scattered randomly across the void. There is very little artificial light here, only the moon illuminates the whole world at night, and when it's not there, darkness envelops mountains of old, construction debris. Shadows from half-dead trees that are trying to survive on concrete are actively running along the walls of forgotten brick giants, turning into silhouettes of people who once lived and worked here. As if millions of ghosts wander wearily in search of living flesh. Shards of old wooden windows have long gone underground. Only darkness, only chaos, only space above your head.
God, what does an angel see in a dream? Those beautiful eyes, It's like two ambers with a golden glow are looking at me.
Glasses… their glare gave the eyes the image of the Eskimo space nebula or NGC 2392, which lives 2870 light-years from us, in the constellation of Gemini.
White jacket… A beautiful voice… that he sang so beautifully… as if a verbal artist magician bewitched me. With every minute the angel lit up, lit up from a slow beautiful story. Such a fire cannot be found even on the hottest stars of the vast universe. Every molecule of his soul burned more and more. I feel like a victim of one of the three sisters who was killed by Perseus, the son of Zeus. I can't move, it becomes difficult to breathe, my knees are trembling, goosebumps run all over my body. Good and scary at the same time. «Where the shit is this Eros, my little brother Cherub?» I'll go back to heaven and get even with him. «Filthy pig, he thinks he can joke about this!»
The darkness that surrounded the angel blinded him more and more. Only the inner fire flared up stronger every minute. Everything is as if in a fog… as if new… fear, chaos… it's impossible to describe...His wanna scream from the pleasant pain… that devours him from the inside. The mage got too close. The angel turned his head, looked at the magician, and then...A lot of feelings came over the angel. How hot magma from a volcano covered Pompeii in 79 B.C. Legs buckled. Him had a hard time keeping balance. This look choked him as much as the Anaconda chokes its prey, as the boundless space chokes, as darkness chokes…
What the hell?! The angel woke up in a sweat… He jumped up as if scalded, nervously turning over the blanket in his hands. What the hell was that...Oh, What the hell is this? The angel quickly jumped off the bed and ran to the shower stall. Nervously, with trembling hands, he turned on the ice water and began to wash the sweat off his face, trying to recover, each time looking in the mirror. He remembered the dream. This dream stuck in his head so much that I remembered every smallest detail, remembered every second of this event.
«Yeah!...I wanna!»Leaning his palm against the mirror over the sink, he said in trepidation: "...I very much wanna!...I wanna touch!..." Not understanding what was happening to him, he angrily doused the mirror and looked again at his reflection. «No....! No....! Breaking everything in its path, destroying the shelves and their contents, angel sat on his bed, all disheveled, clutching his head and swaying trying to understand what was happening to him. The is stupid!.. That's enough!» After a while, Castiel came to his senses. All the storms within him subsided.
«I always wondered, ever since I took that burden, that curse, I wondered what it could be, what… what my true happiness could even look like. I never found an answer. Because the one thing I want… it's something I know I can't have.But I think I know… I think I know now. Happiness isn't having. It's in just being. It's just saying it.»